Parenting is hard some days … in fact if I am honest there are elements of parenting that are hard most days. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change it for the world - my kids are the centre of my universe and I gain so much from their energy, insight and joy. Also having experienced recurrent pregnancy loss and multiple rounds of IVF I am acutely aware of how lucky I am to have these miracles in my life. But if like me you are trying to do your own work - to understand your triggers, patterns and history in order to human a little better - parenting becomes a complex exchange where it can be hard to know if the focus should be you - your child or the relationship between you.
I recently heard Hilary McBride, a therapist I hugely admire, describe relational interactions as a layer cake - and I love that analogy! (You can listen to her incredible podcast here - https://www.cbc.ca/listen/cbc-podcasts/186-other-peoples-problems). Any interaction we have brings together the sensitivities, experiences and history of each person involved, and often as poet Kahlil Gibran says “Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost”.
That’s why I was relieved to discover the amazing Dr Becky Kennedy psychologist and mum of three (You can check out her amazing podcast Good Inside - here https://www.goodinside.com/podcast/). What I love about Dr Becky is how she brings such humility to her discussions of parenting - often talking about her own parenting stuff ups and failings as a springboard to discuss the concepts and practices she wants to share.
The most important thing Dr Becky shares is that being a perfect parent - were that even possible would be bad for our kids. In fact she goes so far to suggest getting it wrong or stuffing up is in important - as it gives us the opportunity to practice the most important thing we role model to kids - REPAIR. Repair is the practice of coming back when an interaction has blown up or gone badly - and taking responsibility for how we behaved. This is critically important for kids, particularly in interactions with parents and people they look up to, because if kids get yelled at, spoken down to, given the silent treatment or any combination of these they don’t think - “Wow mum’s having a bad day …” they think “I must be bad I made mum angry/sad/annoyed …”.
Repair can look something like - “I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry I lost my temper earlier … I’m really tired partly because work has been hard this week - but that isn’t your fault - and I need to work on managing my stress - you didn’t deserve to be spoken to that way.
Check out Dr Becky’s amazing TED talk on repair here - I guarantee it will change the way you interact with everyone - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpPtdk9rco
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