Those of you who’ve read my past posts may have read my previous post about Missy Higgin’s incredible song ‘A Complicated Truth’ written for her daughter Luna. In the song she does an incredible job of answering the impossible questions all of us who’ve been through relationship breakdowns, particularly with children, ask ourselves … How did our story turn out this way? Could we have done something differently? How did we end up here?
The week before last I had the huge privilege of going to see Missy’s incredible Sound of White anniversary show in Sydney. It was nothing short of stunning. When she sang “You Should Run” and “A Complicated Truth” tears streamed down my face … and I held my daughters close. These songs that speak truths many of us have lived and breathed.
But there was another moment in the show that equally stung my heart. It was when Missy talked about music being a lifeline for her in navigating life’s toughest times - an undeniable truth and gift for many of us. But she spoke this in the context of sharing that she’d tried therapy with a few therapists and “failed”. I am sure I that’s not the exact word she used - but it was the feeling I got when she spoke. It made me feel incredibly sad because showing up to therapy in the midst of life’s storms and heartbreaks takes such courage. To walk away feeling you can’t be helped is a wretched feeling and a terrible outcome. This reminded me of a blog I’d started months ago but had not had the courage to put out into the world - so I am giving it another go. This is for you Missy …
Bessel Van der Kolk - somewhat of a guru in therapy circles - says something I love - far too frequently clients are labelled treatment resistant when the reality is that it is the clinician who should be saying I am lacking something this client needs - I need to learn more to help this client. Obviously I know nothing about the therapists Missy sought out - and they may indeed be brilliant - therapy is absolutely a complex process involving a combination of timing, compatibility and attunement. But too often people walk away from therapy not feeling heard and seen.
In therapy circles (like many professions) we’re reluctant to talk about it - but the reality is many of us have seen therapists who weren’t a good fit for us yet had us walking away feeling we were somehow lacking. Or some of us have seen therapists simply weren’t good at their job. I believe most of these people are beautiful humans who genuinely want to help others. I don’t for a moment think anyone becomes a therapist with the intent of lack lustre performance. However- it’s likely that significant numbers of these clincians haven’t done the personal work required to understand their own motivations, shadows and triggers. Work which is critical when you spend your day privately bumping up against the distress and trauma of others.
I once had a therapist send me a journal article to prove she was right and I was wrong about something I shared I strongly believed. She was new and her intentions were good - I had said I wanted challenge in therapy - but ultimately she missed the mark … right or wrong wasn’t the point - having my point of view heard and seen was.
There is a concept in therapy literature of the wounded healer, the idea that most people choose a career in this field at some level to work through their own wounds (and potentially because they experienced the power of therapy at some of their most difficult times and want to provide that support and nurturance to others). It’s an indisputable truth that wounds need to be tended to to heal … and while it is a contentious topic in therapy circles I’m not sure you can be a good therapist if you haven’t done your own therapy, and continue to do it.
There are many challenges with finding a therapist that works for you. We’re all human and therefore infinitely different and quite complex and so inevitably some therapists will be a great fit for us and others won’t. If you’re looking for a therapist I would encourage you to ask for recommendations, explore what they’ve put out into the world on their website and social media - see if they offer a free initial chat so you can see if you feel its a good match.
No one should walk away from therapy feeling they’re somehow faulty or beyond help … and good reflective therapists will have the courage to tell clients when they are sensing a mismatch or their client needs someone with a different skill set. The best therapists bring a client to a place where the client feels safe to challenge the therapist or to tell them when they aren’t getting what they need. I’ll never forget the time I timidly told my therapist I had needed gentle and support in a session but felt I got challenge - and she kindly and compassionately said - “I’m so glad you told me - sounds like I missed what you needed …”
The other truth is that therapy might not be for everyone - and that’s okay … There are so many ways to process life’s bumps and complexities - but ultimately we’re wired to do it in relationship - feeling connected and safe.
Share about your experiences with therapy below …
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